Is it selfish to love and care for yourself?
Is it selfish to love and care for yourself? I used to think so.
I continued to embrace this approach as I completed graduate studies in the area of youth and family ministry, then an internship supporting non-profits in San Francisco. Once making a move to Houston, I continued my work in the non-profit field by day and volunteered with a youth group at night, so there were daily opportunities to know the needs of others. Driven by people-pleasing and the hope of carrying on my “I’m third” mentality, I tried to help in any way I could. (How some of that help likely wasn't helpful is a whole 'nother story).
Over my mid-twenties, as several people close to me passed away, I didn’t take time to process my own feelings, instead choosing to push them down to get back to helping other people. In hindsight, and through processing with a counselor, I would say two things likely contributed to me reacting like this in addition to the teaching I’d embraced.
One I didn’t know how to approach my own healing.
Two, I needed to be needed by this point.
So much of my own identity was tied to the help I gave others that I feared stepping back to focus on me would lose my sense of accomplishment. Twisted, I know.
About one year later from that night at youth group, I attended a birthday party for the same teenager who’d passed away, remembering and celebrating her with her family. It was a beautiful thing to experience, and yet so hard to sit with the dissonance of her not being there that I broke. I finally acknowledged that evening, after being so shaken I had to spend the night at a friend’s house, that it was time to get help. I needed to see a counselor in order to start working through this stuff or it was going to bury me. My method of sweeping under the rug and numbing through activity wasn’t working.
“It was a beautiful thing to experience, and yet so hard to sit with the dissonance of her not being there that I broke. ”
I figured I would need to see the counselor a few times, get some tips to deal with grief and emotions, and be on my way. When she said she’d like to see me weekly, for at least four months to begin with, I was shocked to learn that apparently, I was worse off than I realized.
Taking a second look at the cornerstone verse upon which I’d been taught “I’m Third”, helped me understand this as well. Mark 12:30-31 says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (emphasis added)
Love your neighbor as yourself .. as you love yourself…means you will only love others to the extent that you love yourself.
Still passionate about helping others, I’ve learned that I cannot pour from an empty cup, so in order to help others, I have to first seek and accept help and care, from myself and others. Much of my caring for myself and emotional processing has come while giving myself time to engage in creativity through art, sewing, and journaling. The tools I share through Sarah King Creates are an outpouring of what has filled my cup and continue to do so. I hope they are helpful in your journey as well.
I thought I should put my own needs behind the needs of others.
I was a part of a ministry for several years in my early 20's that taught the concept of "I'm Third" which meant God first, others second, and I'm third. They may have not meant it in the extreme manner that I received it, but as a rule follower, I embraced the concept. I poured myself into the pursuit of learning what God wanted and what others needed, and ignored myself, other than what emotions seemed to get in the way of doing the first two, then I was shameful about those and tried to combat them and numb them away. After the second year of working at the teen camp ran by the ministry, I became so good at my putting my needs last I even won the “I’m Third” award for it.
“After the second year of working at the teen camp ran by the ministry, I became so good at my putting my needs last I even won the “I’m Third” award for it. ”
Even though I was outwardly not acknowledging my pain and grief, my body was feeling it. I was tired often, started forgetting things easily like I was in a fog, and had a pain in my gut each time I thought of one of the people who I’d lost. I got put on an improvement plan at work since I was having a hard time keeping up with the amount of calls I was supposed to be making for my caseload. However, I didn’t realize I was experiencing burnout until one night at the youth group where I volunteered.
I had jumped right back into leading a small group of teenage girls after the one I’d mentored for four years, and had become like a little sister to me, had recently passed away from Leukemia at 19 years old. I found myself half-listening to daily troubles that one of the girls in my group was sharing and remember clearly having the thought, “I hope she doesn’t share something serious. I’m not up for walking her through that.” Oof. After the meeting that night, I shared with the youth minister that I needed a short break from volunteering since I was feeling burned out. Of course, he was very understanding since he knew my journey with the teen who had recently passed away. I told him I’d let him know in a few weeks when I was ready to return. That was nine years ago, by the way, and I still haven’t told him I’m ready to return.
I’ve spent the last eight years healing, which has included many tools, phases, and realizations. One thing I’ve come to accept is these experiences are all part of my story now and have shaped me into who I am. I’ve stopped trying to fix everything to get back to what it was before the breaking, before the dying, and into the black and white picture of the world, religion, and myself I thought I had figured out. I may never arrive at “fully healed” and that is less important now. I’ve made more room for mystery and started to come to peace with it.
I am still learning that resting is okay and my worth is not tied to how much I accomplish, that’s a tough one. Finally, I continue to learn from my counselor and other wise teachers in my life that in fact loving and caring for myself is not selfish. It is essential.
“I continue to learn from my counselor and other wise teachers in my life that in fact loving and caring for myself is not selfish. It is essential. ”
Untitled mixed media collage, Sarah King, 2014
Created in a workshop taught by Wayze Brezinka