What does “letting go” look like?
Letting Go
Something I’m being invited to explore right now is letting go. Letting go of attachment, former dreams, finished and unfinished goals, resentment, expected outcomes, expected behavior, and relationships that have fulfilled their season in my life. When faced with new circumstances or choosing to follow an urge to shift, many times instead of letting go I avoid, cling, or resist. Instead, I’ve been encouraged by wise mentors to instead allow the experience, feeling, or memory to gracefully pass through me, trusting that the parts I need to integrate into my life are there and the rest I can release. To explore the question of “What does letting go look like?”, today I’ll share a story from the time I left my dream job, which at the time I’m writing this, happened a little over a month ago.
Rosa’s Victory
Rosa and I at Texas Children’s Hospital, 2011. Image by Flashes of Hope.
First, let me introduce you to Rosa, a sweet, bold, and sassy teen with who I was honored to have a mentor/mentee/sisterhood type relationship for four years through a youth group where I volunteered. Nine years ago, she passed away from Leukemia. After fighting cancer three times over the course of two and a half years, she won the final time by being out of pain forever at age 19. Throughout her treatment at Texas Children’s Hospital, we spent frequent time together in her hospital room while she experienced the various stages of the treatment, including her final days.
Getting My Dream Job
Incredible colleagues and volunteer at Ronald McDonald House inside Texas Children’s Hospital
After Rosa passed I had a hard time driving by the Medical Center area for about a year without crying since those memories were so close to the surface. A couple of years later, after finding support and taking a few more steps through my grief journey, I had the opportunity to start working as a Volunteer Coordinator at a non-profit organization, Ronald McDonald House Houston, which provides a home away from home for families in the Texas Medical Center. AKA, my dream job. It combined my career background in Social Work, nonprofit management, and my personal experiences, certainly a full-circle life moment.
Healing Balm
One of the four locations where I would work with this role was in that very same hospital. Imagine my surprise when I found out one of the lounges where I had gotten coffee every week during my visits to Rosa’s hospital room was actually a Ronald McDonald Family Room, meaning it was taken care of by RMH Houston staff and volunteers. I hadn’t noticed before when visiting Rosa that the logo on the blue vests the sweet volunteers wore who were offering me cookies and coffee was actually the RMH Houston logo. (Why I should have recognized this from my childhood is a whole ‘nother story).
Over the past seven years, the House and Family Rooms inside the hospital and became some of my favorite places to spend time training volunteers or working with my RMH colleagues for a few reasons. One reason being especially that when I was there, I could walk the same halls Rosa and I had walked together. I would chuckle to myself as memories of laughter surfaced showcasing her incredible sense of humor. Her spirit and our memories felt close and they continually motivated me to help other families in similar situations through my work there. Time spent in the hospital in this way was an important step in my healing, like balm on the wound of losing her.
Leaving My Dream Job
During the last couple of years, I have been sensing a call to move in another direction with my career and a pull towards learning and development as well as entrepreneurship. As I’ve been investigating options and coming to terms with the invitation to move forward, one of my hesitations has been these experiences and the presence of Rosa I felt when at the hospital.
Through several instances during this past year, I felt the nudging for a career shift away from RMH Houston getting more and more clear. In the end, I knew the person I was becoming was not who I wanted to be in my next season and an option more aligned with my new dreams opened up. I said yes to the new offer in May 2021. The following weekend I knew I needed to face these daunting feelings about Rosa and so many mixed emotions about leaving what was a dream job. I was about to enter a whirlwind of changes and knew I needed to carve out some time for reflection.
Rosa sitting on the beach the day before she was admitted to the hospital, for what turned out to be the last time.
A Practice of Letting Go
That Sunday I drove to the closest thing we have to a beach, one of my favorite places to spend time with myself. After spending some time journaling about the transition as a whole, I took a walk and started talking to Rosa in my mind.
I asked her into the wind, “Will you come with me?”
I immediately heard in a lighthearted tone, “I’m not in that place. I’m with you.”
“I’m not in that place. I’m with you.”
At that moment it started pouring down rain and my eyes followed suit.
Through blurry eyes and a few deep exhales later, I said to her “Alright, then let’s go!”
It was so relieving. I had never considered this option. I’m grateful that her spirit, or however you want to call it, let me know that I wasn’t leaving her at all. She has been with me all along. It wasn’t the place, the hospital. It was our friendship, our memories, and her spirit living on. At that moment, I learned from her I can let go of that place and not lose our connection. The connection will continue to live in and nourish my body, mind, and spirit.
Your Turn
I encourage you to take some time to journal on the topic of letting go.
What are you holding on to that may not be for you anymore?
What meaning are you attaching to a thing, place, job, or person?
Could it be something you already have access to inside of you?
You are Invited
If you are looking for guidance and creative tools for processing the ups and downs of life and reflecting on topics such as this one, I invite you to join us in live Healing Arts workshops, as well as have access to two self-guided creative activities per month, in our “Hats Off for Helpers” Healing Arts Membership.